When we decided to start trying for a baby, it was very much a case of let’s stop using condoms and see what happens. I have quite a few friends who have been trying for 1-2 years to make a baby and so figured we would start early (when I say early I mean before we were 100% sure that we were grown-up enough to be parents), because it might take us a long time. We had also booked a summer holiday for the end of July (we always go away at this time of year as Grump is a teacher and it’s our wedding anniversary). It didn’t even cross my mind that I would be pregnant then.

Now, I’m not moaning about being fertile, as I know that many women struggle to conceive and it is a heartbreaking process. It only took us two months to get pregnant, which amazing but was also a bit of a shock. We were over the moon and thought the holiday would be fine as I’d only be a few months pregnant. What naive idiots we were.

I was just over three months pregnant when we went to Cyprus and it was one of the hottest summers they’d had in recent years. So hot, in fact, people were reporting their steering wheels were melting if they left their cars parked out in the sun. It was HOT and sticky and I had horrendous morning sickness. Thankfully I wasn’t actually sick, but I felt nauseous the whole time. It was as if I was extremely hungover all day (the worst feeling in the world, especially when you haven’t even benefited from drinking copious amounts of wine/Malibu/jager bombs the night before). Food tasted horrible, I was tired, irritable and generally felt rough. I didn’t want to go out for dinner or walk anywhere or do anything. Poor Grump. I was a she-Grump.

We still managed to have a nice(ish) time and did lots of relaxing by the pool while reading or going for drives in the air-conditioned hire car (see photo of me in said car with my moody face on at the bottom of this post). I spent a lot of time watching Grump eat and dry retching (photo of Grump below trying to decide what to eat that wouldn’t make me nauseous).

Looking back over my pregnancy, the best time for a holiday was that magical second trimester when you stop feeling sick, but aren’t so fat that you can’t move/sleep/function. Next time, even if we are thinking about trying to get pregnant I won’t be booking a holiday until I see those little pink lines on the pregnancy test.

The only plus side was that it was the cheapest holiday we’ve ever been on. Turns out if I’m not eating or drinking alcohol, our bank balance (and probably my liver) is much healthier.

I thought I was pretty clued up about the symptoms of pregnancy and what to expect in the latter stages. How wrong I was. I felt quite lucky to have a fairly neat bump and so the uncomfortable stage happened quite late for me. I was still doing my 30-minute walk to the train station (albeit more slowly than usual), I had no stretch marks (sorry, don’t hate me) and I felt like I was being rewarded for suffering through all the nausea at the beginning of the pregnancy.

In the final two weeks before I gave birth, I was feeling tired and fat, but generally OK. Then it happened. I sneezed and something wet came out of my foof. We had been told by the midwife and in NCT classes that the smell of your waters breaking is very different from urine and smells more like hay (really?!?). Whatever came out of me smelt weird, but then what did my normal wee smell like? I couldn’t remember. When have I ever smelt my own wee? Grump and I spent an inordinate amount of time smelling my pants (sorry to my Mum and Mother-in-law who are probably going to read this).

As it wasn’t a huge amount of liquid, I thought I’d wait and see if any more came out. Peanut’s head (I’m going to refer to the J as Peanut for this post, as that was her first nickname) was very low at this point and I thought she may have been putting pressure on my bladder, so it made sense that a bit of wee might come out. Plus, I was going to the toilet a lot.

As the days went on the liquid increased in volume and I spent even more time smelling my sanitary pads, which went from normal to heavy to night-time and finally to Tena Lady throw-away pants. It was time to call the midwife. After being examined (you really want as few of these as you can possibly have ever in your life) it was deduced that my waters were intact and I must be wetting myself.

For the next week, I peed myself when I laughed, when I sneezed, when I rolled over, when I stood up; pretty much all the time and with no control. It’s funny to look back at it now, but at the time I was miserable as hell. A week of wee-induced stress later and lots of mickey-taking/sympathy in equal measures from Grump (mostly mickey-taking and then sympathy when I cried), I had a scheduled appointment with my usual midwife Dawn. When I told her my tale of woe she was concerned. She checked my notes from the hospital, which said that it was unclear whether or not my waters had broken. Er, they didn’t tell me this. What the fuck! For those of you not in the know, once your waters have broken you have 24 hours for your contractions to start otherwise you are induced, as there is a risk of infection (up there…). If my waters had gone, I’d been walking around for over a week. It turns out the midwife at the hospital wasn’t 100% sure whether or not my waters had broken, so had sent me home anyway. Thanks love!

Cue another trip to the hospital and more examinations (seriously, why anyone would want to be fisted during sex I will never know). No, she said, my waters were definitely still intact. I was relieved and confused; no infections for me, but had I really gone from full bladder control to incontinence in such a short time? Well, whatever that midwife did when she put her hand up my parts she broke something because two minutes later my waters did go. All over the hospital bed. Thank god I hadn’t put my knickers back on yet.

Great you might be thinking. I’m going into labour, five days early. No getting fed up and being overdue for me. But no, there was a trace of blood in my waters and no contractions, so they wouldn’t let me go home and I had to stay in hospital overnight before my contractions even began. I had a terrible night’s sleep to prepare me for labour. What a rubbish beginning. I was hoping my waters would break in M&S, because I’d heard you get a £50 voucher if it happens in store. Or I’d have some cool story to tell about how they broke in Sainsbury’s and I had to be wheeled out in a shopping trolley.

Oh well, at least I’d stopped weeing myself and I have a new-found respect for anyone who is incontinent. It’s pants – literally.

I recently had a conversation with my sister-in-law, whose baby is due in November, about what to pack in her hospital bag. It got me thinking about what I packed and wish I had packed. It’s really hard to know exactly how many baby grows to include when you could be in hospital for one night or ten. In my case, I think I packed enough outfits for the baby to be in hospital for a month!

There are loads of lists online that will tell you the essentials you need for yourself and baby, but I’ve come up with a few things that I found useful and a few I hadn’t thought of at the time but would definitely recommend.

Obviously each person’s needs differ and perhaps a Cadbury’s cream egg won’t be top of your list, but I really enjoyed eating one after childbirth once the shock had worn off and hunger kicked in (I’m always hungry).

1. Maternity pads

People told me I needed loads of these and I thought they were exaggerating – they were not! You need the really thick ones and lots of them. Those purple packs of Always night-time pads just aren’t going to cut it. Add to this some old pants that you don’t mind throwing away. As I was virtually incontinent for the last week of my pregnancy, I had bought loads of Tena lady throw-away pants (they are a bit like pull-up nappies but for adults). These were actually an amazing find, because I wasn’t worried about leakages and then you could rip them off at the sides and chuck the whole thing away.

2. Sports drinks

If you end up using gas-and-air during labour your mouth gets really dry. I bought a couple of bottles of still Lucozade in fruity flavours (I can’t remember the exact ones but they tasted nice. Oh and don’t get fizzy ones!). The style of drinks bottle was really easy to sip from, as you didn’t have to keep unscrewing the top and the fruity flavour was refreshing, plus it gave me a sugar boost when I needed it.

3. Post-birth snacks

I’ve never been happier than when Grump came back from the hospital café with a Cadbury’s crème egg. You might not think you will fancy anything like that, but pack a couple of treats for after the birth – you’ll need all the little perk-me-ups you can get. I also managed to get in a KitKat Chunky while floating in the birthing pool (that was probably the best part of my labour).

4. Eye mask

I found sleeping in hospital really difficult and wearing an eye mask made it that bit easier. I would also recommend ear plugs, but you probably need to be able to hear your baby crying when he/she is hungry! I spent my first night in hospital in triage waiting for my contractions to start and my second night in the delivery suite as there were no rooms in post-natal. In the room next to me was a screamer. I heard her entire labour in crystal-clear surround sound. Enough said.

5. F is for Formula

Even though I intended to breastfeed, I took in a pack of little bottles of made-up formula. They came in a sterilised bottle with a separate sterilised teat, so all you had to do was put the teat on the bottle and it was ready to go. I think the hospital will give you one if you ask, but I didn’t want to be judged for offering formula instead of breast. I gave the J a bottle on the first night of her life, as she was struggling to latch on and was crying for milk. I then went on to successfully breastfeed her for the next 4 months. Using a little bit of formula is not a crime. Why do health professionals make us feel like it is??? (That’s a whole other discussion/blog post).

6. Nipple shields

If you are struggling to get your baby to latch on, these are a god send. They are also great if, like me, your nipple splits open (yes it was gross) and is so sore that you wince and cry during every feed. I didn’t pack these in my hospital bag, as I had never heard of them until a month or so into breastfeeding when one of my NCT friends was using them. I don’t know why they aren’t recommended by professionals, but I can only assume that the best practice is to be able to feed without any help. It is a mild inconvenience to make sure they are sterile and to keep sticking them on before a feed (this sometimes leads to flashing family members, friends and strangers in coffee shops), but I take the view that if they are making your life easier and your baby is feeding happily then what’s the harm.

7. Home comforts

Slightly obvious, but pack your favourite toiletries; face wipes, hand cream and lip balm were lifesavers for me. Basically take anything that will make you feel a bit more human. Also, hospital pillows are not the best and you want to be comfortable and to get the best quality sleep you can. Having your own pillow makes life that little bit better. Oh and make sure you put it in a brightly coloured pillow case so that it doesn’t get mixed up with the other white hospital pillows.

8. Slippers and a dressing gown

You’ll definitely need something for walking around the hospital in. Just think of all the germs! I packed a pair of those white slippers that you get free in hotels. Don’t go for anything too hot, as hospitals are really warm, so leave your UGG booties at home. You might want a light robe (I just took a cardigan), but don’t bother with a big fluffy dressing gown or you’ll be sweating one out in no time.

9. Stuff for your birthing partner

Whether it’s your husband, boyfriend, friend or mother, make sure they have either packed their own bag or you include things for them to do and eat (obviously I had to pack a bag for Grump). He had lots of snacks, magazines, a Dad-to-be parenting book (he only read the first two chapters) and a phone charger. Don’t forget a change of clothes and toiletries if they are planning on staying the night. We also took a fold-up camp bed and sleeping bag for Grump and he slept on that the first night I was in hospital. His other option would’ve been an uncomfortable-looking chair, so it was worth lugging it along with us.

10. A little plastic jug

Sounds odd, but you will need this little friend after the birth. No one warns you that the first time you do a wee after giving birth, it stings like hell. The only way to make it more bearable is to pour water over your bits while you are peeing. I did not have a jug and tried this with a plastic cup and a water bottle – neither were very effective. You have been warned! (Obviously don’t bring a massive gravy jug or the midwife might think you want to take the placenta home or something).